In praise of regrets – I

A mountain, he envisioned.
Standing on its top he looked down,
the regret which followed him there
Was now nowhere to be found.
He went back and give it a thought.
Soon thereafter that guilt arrived;
He got swallowed, left again for mountain,
Once again that foe was missing,
Despair and trouble had him in chain.
When he returned home once again,
A vicious cycle, he said it was.
Death is a constant motivator he realized;
“But how to make it one with myself,” he asked,
“How to find and capture it in every drop
that calm and stoic nature I was in, on that mountain top.”

Hope

One day I hope…
I’ll wake up to be a person who no longer fears,
I’ll come to rejoice in my broken spirit,
I hope I can be fulfilling to my love,
I hope I’won’t hurt people but care for,
One day I hope I’ll live to love myself.
Now I don’t know whether God is good or not,
or if he exists just in nature’s form.
I know people are mad, many are bad,
but I like to believe it’s not all sad.
Fortunately I still want to try instead of seeing me cry.
So I hope for a better time before giving up, before resting.

Giving thought to life and other things

After the last blog, there have been several things happening with me, both outside and inside. There were moments, terrible moments, when I wished to give up and there were a few moments when I gave up. I seriously wanted to give up. It is hard. Very hard. When nothing goes right with you and when you have lost everything, and when you know that whatever you do will be affected by the past which you hate with all your heart then it is hard. Mostly, my depression is fine, it actually keeps me happy even in the toughest of situations but it overwhelms me, in a weird way. I feel like a prisoner. I wish to do several things but I cannot. It reminds me of a song I heard called “Prisoner”. (I couldn’t find the link. But I guess, I heard it on Free Music Archive.

I am a lonely prisoner, no visitors today.

My crimes have long forgotten but I still have to stay. 

Beautiful lines!

So, yes I at times am that sad.

I do not, however, assume my pain to be greater than anyone else’s. Everyone has problems – of different kinds – and not everyone can deal with every problem. I acknowledge my misfortune and I hold myself completely responsible. It is not to say that I blame myself. On the contrary, I accept that disasters happen and may always happen to people – whether good or bad. I believe it is part of the process – a greater purpose I don’t know about. (Although that might just be because I am just trying to give my suffering a reason. Nonetheless, I find it natural and suitable.)

We are unknown to ourselves, we men of knowledge-and with good reason.
(Nietzsche in On the Genealogy of Mortality.)

Anyway, I have started watching second season of Mr. Robot. I really enjoyed the first season. I would recommend it to anyone with interest in Psychology, Philosophy and Computer Science.

Reason not to commit suicide

Suicide seems like an easy option. It is logical if the person acknowledges the meaninglessness and worthlessness of life. However, there are few reasons not to commit suicide, now and ever –

  1. Coffee is great. {Replace coffee with whatever that one thing is for which you can spend whole day; if you don’t know what is that, just be alone and you will need to have that one thing}
  2. Rain feels awesome. {Or summer, winter or etc; or maybe a place you were at -mentally or really – sometime you find solace at when in great anxiety – that one I am talking about}

Time, present and anytime in past and future, always exists, and it will always exist whether you end your life or not. No one is more important than anyone, no one matters, none’s life matters. Is it a bad thing? No. You make a wrong choice, or you make one right; that choice isn’t permanent. You die one day! Whether you do it now or later, doesn’t matter. After dying you don’t have an option to “undie”. But when you are alive, you always have that option. So save that option, use that to motivate you and maybe die another day. Now, if you are in an emergency situation, call a helpline. If you are not in emergency situation but you wish to talk to someone and can’t have anyone, email me at robinkhatri@hotmail.com.

I’ll surely talk.

Sit sometime in open beside a pond without having any hope or regret, and just be there for a while absent minded. That moment is life. There is no defined purpose in life, society makes a standard purpose so that its members can cope with it. You don’t need to follow that set standard to do the same task. Make your own.  

Also, I advise you to spend sometime with animals, particularly birds, they are far more stoic than most humans. They seem to have mastered the art of right amount of indifference.

Further reading:
The Egg Cover